There was a time when sitting and feeding a baby and rocking and rocking and rocking felt like an offering to the gods of depletion. It was a lonely time. It was a time of detachment from myself. I didn’t recognize much power in the daily, monotonous routine of my life as a mother. I loved my children. And I was a good mom. But though my babies were my world, there was no place for me in it with them.
Mentally, I left. If myself was not to be found in motherhood, then myself must be elsewhere. Gurus, self-help books, podcasts shouting from the rooftops that I could do ANYTHING, I could be ANYTHING. I said yes to all of it. To my potential, to my power – not here, in these walls, with these children spilling things, but out there, in the bigness of the world, where I could be seen and known and live up to who I was meant to be. I was out there, I knew it.
I did, eventually, “find myself.” But not in the way that I thought I would. It was true, that my power was not in my motherhood. And turns out, it wasn’t in my “bossbabe” potential either. The Holy Moment came after I had sacrificed and hustled my ARSE to get to the place where I thought I would find myself … and realized with a heartbreaking epiphany that I wasn’t. there. either.
That was the moment that every label I was clinging to, begging each to serve up a portion of my identity, lost its power. Creative Director, Mother, Writer, Wife, City-Dweller, Country-Dweller, Podcaster, Blogger, Stylist, Homemaker. In a holy instant they were gone. And what was left, was me. Complete. Whole. Enough. And Powerful. Not because of the role I was in. But because I AM.
From that place I returned to my motherhood. And I returned to work. But because my roles didn’t reflect my worth, I was free to find fulfillment in each of them. Because I was already home in myself, I had a place at every table I chose to sit.
It’s ok if you haven’t discovered this about yourself – your path will take you to your truth and your Holy Moments right on time. But you won’t find them in the mouths of any guru, so stop looking there. Look up, and look in. You belong to yourself. And your path is designed *perfectly* for your unveiling.
